Letters to Yara ~ These lands unknown

This is the second of seven articles in the collection
Letters to Yara
my personal take on the hero’s journey.

To you,
Forever,
from me to you.

Even though time has passed since last my words found their way, thoughts of you have never been far from my mind. I wish I could say that my time out here has strengthened my resolve. Equipped me to deal with this new world better. But that would be far from the truth.
This wilderness is ever changing. A shape-shifting beast, tirelessly throwing new challenges at our feet. I’m longing for ground as I lose my footing along the way.
Looking for tranquility in my turbulent states of mind.

For I’m long past feigning confidence; I admit I’m afraid.

But admittance does not balm the troubled soul.
With every tread, comes a new threat, and anxiety clawing at my insides. I try to dismiss my demons, but they remain, attached like my shadow, and persist in haunting me.
Taunting me.
My mind never fails to come up with new ways to trick me, into fear of looming dangers ahead.
As we crusade these lands unknown.

And so I find myself carrying two packs through life; one full of gear, one full of worry. The latter unwillingly increasing in weight, as time passes slowly. Painfully slow. The volatile mix of emotions surging through my core, trapped. Capped. As my heart pounds heavily into the night.

Could I ship off my woes and send them to you with this letter? For in your presence I’d always see them transformed into strength and resolve.
Better yet, I would have you close to me. Such that the words parted from my lips could find your ears. And have your understanding eyes bring me solace.
Alas, this brutal environment harshly rips me away from blissful thoughts.
Reminding me that I am here,
and you are not.

Each day we reach deeper into the unfamiliar, trying with all our might to shape it into some sort of understanding.
Into experience.
Into knowledge.
But every step and every glance leaves me feeling as if I know less than I did before.
Ironically, it was here that I had hope to find symbiosis between man and nature; which turned out to be an illusion at best. A figment of my imagination.
Only a dream.

Here we are unwanted.
Trespassing and unbelonging.
Flayed by scree and dust, the protection of our skin falls short. Mother natures daggers stabbing at our sides. Not only chipping away at our seemingly naked bodies, but steadily breaking our resolve.
Sounds of doubt start to fill our conversations.
Our purpose is waning…

Swallowed by this world, I ofttimes close my eyes, and think you with me.
I relish in the memory of your touch. In knowing your soul to be free from judgement. A haven.
With eyes kept firmly shut, I imagine telling you how I’ve found this place acts like a magnifying glass for my hearts desire. Revealing what truly matters, and blurring out what does not. Having only that of real value shine through.
It is establishing a new understanding of love. And the realization that life is such a precious thing.
It only feeds my ache to be with you more.
I scold myself for the times my mind wandered, while sharing in your company.
The times I was not aware and present.

I open my eyes, to be back again.
Adrift once more.
Lost in a sea of rock and gravel and dust. Grasping for the rope that is not there.
Leaving me only with the want to express my gratitude.
My appreciation for knowing, in my heart, that you are out there somewhere.
My lifeline of light.

Yours always,